revizit: B4 January's Departure: 1/12 2014

B4 January's Departure: 1/12

alas, i have not had a blissFUL January 2014. however, my admittal is that my eyes, my heart, my mind have been lodged in the past. the far past, the near past and my future's past. and whenever i venture in the past, i get downtrodden. but this time i am low because of feeling i've wasted the last 15 years since awakening. but as i look at the reconnections i've made, with past highschool friends and college friends and work mates and church attenders, OH MY GOSH!! what am i frettin' for!

ever since i've started this new job, which i love and seems to love me, i SING in my soul every day, EVERY DAY, i work! that is lovely! with this job, which really is a physical miracle that i can even take part in, i choose to make an income or not. and lately, i've been choosing to not, only because of living in belief systems that teach, "if you don't make enough money, you're not worth anything. if your job is not prestigious, you're not worth it. if you don't make enough to provide for others, your not worth it". x's preach this, pastors teach this, media teaches this, vanity teaches this. away with all that! i am back to being taught by my Overseerz. They teach, "I am of value whether of status or none".

i have a job! i have tweaked my out look on that and i am now, and again, appreciative for what i have, been given. a chance. my bosses are incredible!! they love me! yes they do. they invest interest in me. just yesterday, one of my bosses and 3 of my fellow employees rushed up to me and asked, "If you're not offended, can you tell us where you got that scar on the back of your head"? Offended?! of course i'm not. after briefly sharing and then me, spending time on what just happened, i realized, 'wow, i'm alive'. and started singing again. to alot of my coworkers, i am odd, etc. lots of etc! but, i still smagrin. i'd rather, this time, be odd and joyful than odd and angry. when i see that i stand in the midst of comparisons, and see, i just don't have good luck or fortune, 'and i really do love the cookies', i, again, trod downward for a slight moment which may render a day, and Trinity raises me up again, the next morning. and the bitterness has lifted. i smagrin.

i drove someone, special and valuable to me, away because i was filled with confusion and anger/spite. i really don't think i enjoyed a single January since 1999 and i tried so hard with her. but 2014. this month, i am not angry that i did not live up to my expectations, or the church's or x's and x families. i am, this month 2014, glad i have abilities to do things medical people blah blahs say i'm not really "technically" supposed to be able to. yes, there is still sooooo much about me that is unseen and unknown from the AVM, but i don't feel i have to really wear it as a label or patch anymore. it's maybe just residual evidence that something did happen to me. even though pastors have rejected me and condemned me, and yes they have in many ways, i still find myself wanting to venture within the doors of the congregations that mount together.

not for message, because it is in my heart.

not for music, because i sing all, their's and mine, to the Above.

not for penitence, because i live by Hebrews 10:18.

not for conviction or correction or conflict or connection.

and as much as i love the community, and it's example or model of what true Community is, i don't go for that either, because all community has it's flaws and black sheep.

and i LOVE black sheep.

i go for me.

and i have a new palette for my new Canvas. Trin is shining my providence and i must not blind myself to that. i still have moments of, what resembles anger, but is more frustration for what i am not. i am not what i used to be. but that confirms i am new. NEW! i am now ready to accept that. and sing to it! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♪

oh Muzic, fill me completely. pour out of my being. lead my soul. You are my Jurnei! offer myself as an unfinished manuscript for singing. JOY!

now ... ... ...

these pics are from a january 10 years ago in Denver. that was fun. venturing and joy and no judgements. a best man. and a best x. the absolute best ever!