changes #40ish

A quick heads up:  Things are pretty tough for me right now, I mean, I am still alive but the biggest change that is taking place is relational.  

#1.  Maybe with myself or with God.  Ever since the coma, I have never fully been complete with myself.  I could not appreciate life because of what happened.

I could not appreciate life because of what wasn't happening or what was taking so long TOO happen, such as getting a grip on things, realize my losses in friends and ability from what happened.

And from hearing mixed messages from church, I lost a lot of respect for church and maybe God.  

I communicated and still do regularly with the Trinity but I miss being with Them more than I enjoy being with you all.

With Them, I was never made to feel 2nd best or forgotten or inadequate, etc.  A mixed message "Jered you have a purpose or a mission".  

Yet, it felt stifled.  I did over come many odds, and miraculous things took place such as the cost of hospital bills covered, in many cases.

But in heaven, there are no bills there is no debt so here in this life, it is difficult to appreciate the covering of hospital bills.  It just is for me.

Change: I am "finding myself" or figuring out who I am.  I am not basing that revelation on my parents or friends but on the Trinity.  Most of you have seen me as sad.

My sadness comes from having left Their presence, where I recognized my likeness was as Theirs.  It IS!  We were created in Their likeness but the realization only happens after the transformation,

which also only happens after we escape this dimension.  But, I am back in this dimension and when ever I have attempted to personify Their likeness, 

the church steps in and say's, "you are being prideful for your happiness jered and you need to stop".  

Or, "nobody survives such a trauma and lives to tell about it".  

Well, they are correct in the lines "to tell about it" part.  Cause no church allows me to tell about it.  

Not Basehor Baptist Church, which I was Youth Pastor for 3 years and not once did they give me a chance to speak about it.  "control" and when I began to, the pastor said, "you don't have to keep going son, that's not part of the curriculum".  

Not Hannibal LeGrange College, a southern baptist college which my youth pastor attended.  The Chairs of the Ministry Department would say, "i've never heard anything like that before.  so it has no place here to speak about it".  

Not churches down the street from where I am now living.  

Not churches down the street from where I used to live.

Being muzzled by the church is depressing and depleting.  

#2.  With significant other, to whom I was never significant to.  I realize I put so much in to that relationship, and I smiled across the board.  It was evident.  What was not, was that it was not reciprocated.  And even my expectation that it should be, was based on the ritualism of church, the control of church, the beliefs of church.  No matter what type of significant other an individual has, each other's investment to the relationship will never be equally reciprocated but highly expected to the point of anticipation or force.  

There may be love but is it balanced with respect?  Mine wasn't.  There was love, and plenty of it but that love was rooted on what they could do or receive.